Monday, October 24, 2011

Europa - and still the longing?

I am here. In Paris. Where I always wanted to be. I have stood under the Arc de Triomphe. I have climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower. I have taken a ride on the Seine. I have traveled on the metro. I have seen the high street, I have visited the low docks. I have lain in the Tuileries, and I have bowed in front of Notre Dame.

But I feel something missing. Still. What is it that I am looking for? Is it because Europe for me will always be the bridge onto which SRK drives that Red Ferrari of his in DDLJ? Or the tulip gardens in which Big B romances Rekha? Maybe. But there is something deeper still. What connects these? What is the one word that comes to my mind when I think of Europe, of France, of Paris. Friends, is it? Or is it fun? Or Yash Chopra? Or Bollywood? Or Racism? Or expensive? Or Beautiful, peaceful, serene?

Maybe it's love. For me Europe was always the place where I would spend my days with the woman I would fall in love with. Or maybe it's solitude. For Europe was also somewhere I would go and speak but rarely, and just listen, and think. It could also be freedom. Freedom from the sheer intimidation I feel back home. From everything and everyone.

I don't know. But I have none of these here. Not love. Not solitude even. Not for me the stereotypical Eurotrip that everyone has. The booze, and the behoshi. The sports and the adrenaline rush. I get my rush by just looking at the women here, thank you. But still, I am surrounded by friends. I have to fight to get solitude. And even then, I have none. The emptiness of my room, the foreign feeling of this place, the exaggeration of the nostalgic value of all things past just refuses to go away. And that leaves me, alone, but with friends. Alone, but without solitude.

Freedom too isn't here. I am constantly thinking of what I am going to do with my life now. What field should I choose. What do I do next? Where do I go from here? And where the hell have the last 2 years gone? And how come every one acts so grown up while I still feel like an ignorant fool that I was in school, despite all these years of work and studies which were supposed to mature me, make me wiser.

Friends are getting married, drifting away. Others have found other occupations to fill their time. What is happening? Am I thinking too much? Or do all friendships drift as time goes by? Is that why people marry? Out of desperation? The pure need to keep atleast someone close to you? For all around me seem to be finding the love of their life. And that means I am all the less a part of their lives. But they still are a huge part of my lives. What should I do? Tell me, madam. Where do I go to? Whom do I bother?

No answer, huh? Mona Lisa is quite dumb. Literally.